Words of a Crumbling Mind

I feel like I’m setting these standards of creativity for myself, which I just can’t overcome… I feel like everything I do has to be deep and profound in some way, or I’m just someone that can play the guitar, nothing else.

Flow of creativity. I always think of it as something that people just naturally have, something about them that just makes them see everything in a beautiful and completely new way. Is it like that? I like to think of myself as a creative person, but then I think of this. It’s really kind of depressing.

I am fucking frustrated. …and I kind of have been for a while now… …and I can’t do anything about it. I’m dying inside and I can’t do anything about it. I’m dying.

I’m depressed and I feel horribly superficial.. Why? Because the reason I was so depressed was the most sublime and spiritual there can be, and now that I’ve lost that…

I’ve got absolutely nothing.

I watched this movie called ‘Hanna’… It was actually really good. But what really got to me, was the song in during the credits. I teared up.. It’s.. beautiful.

Some of you that might’ve been reading my blog for a longer period of time… You might’ve noticed, how my style of writing has changed over time… How I haven’t been writing about the realizations of life that torment my soul and crumble mind..

I want to get back to that, but I need to do something first.. To start feeling as intensely passionate about some things again… I really want to get back to that, I really do.

“Birdhouse in your soul”… Beautiful. I feel… sublime. I feel like all of the vanity is gone.. Like I could write the way I used to..

I’ve been feeling a lot… I mean, a lot better than I felt before, but I still don’t want to. I feel like I’m losing the thing I cared the most about by not feeling miserable…

At least I can focus on something else, than my mind crumbling under anxiety, but I feel really, really disappointed at myself. When I was anxious, I wrote things that I actually found beautiful. Now that I’m feeling the way I am, it all feels so superficial and vain…

Maybe I’ll just post something beautiful…? Please, let me feel something…

Wow… I’m dying inside, but in a good way. Basically it is the music I am listening to that dictates my mood. I might be dying inside, beautifully.

I feel wonderful. I am slowly dying inside, and I love it, because I am dying for something beautiful.

Wow. I… I need my wall painted like this. Beautiful. I…

My soul might be on fire, and I might feel desperate, and that nothing would ever work out… But I’m trying to convince myself, that eventually, I will move on about things.

One more hour and I can go to sleep and forget everything about this world for another night…

And after this mind-numbingly boring weekend, I watched this movie called “super 8”, and remembered something…

…I can’t really call it ‘remembering’ though, since it’s always on my mind. But the point is, I am glad to know that the realization is still alive, and so is the anxiety caused by it, because it is this realization, that defines me, and is truly a part of my soul.

Your soul is glorious.